So here's my advice and I strongly suggest you take it.
What should I use for checking/sending my email?
Mozilla Thunderbird. Not ever Outlook Express. Ever. Why? Because: 18 reasons why Thunderbird is better than Outlook Express, but mainly because Outlook Express has NO spam filter, and is extremely vulnerable to email viruses and phishing. (You know, those fake sites that look a lot like your online bank - just enter your card number and password for verification, okay?) Thunderbird has protections against those sorts of things. And a spam filter. Jeez.
With Thunderbird, it is easy to pull in multiple accounts (even web-based ones like hotmail, gmail, yahoo, etc.). It also has a built-in RSS reader - nice! And good spell check... And on and on. Read an overview. Biff will be giving a quiz.
What browser should I use?
Actually no one asks this, but they should. Mozilla Firefox. Don't use Internet Explorer. Listen, I spend 8 to 12 hours each weekday developing web applications for browsers. I know these browsers inside out. It's my job. I'm an expert. Firefox is far and away the better browser. The masses only use IE because it came pre-installed with their computer and they don't know any better. And you know those masses, they're drooling ibiots.
Firefox is faster. It is more secure against spyware, worms and viruses. It protects your privacy better. It has a lot of features to improve your experience that IE does not, such as tabbed browsing and integrated search. It has a large number of extensions available that can add all manner of new features: Adblock is an amazing one which can block ads from appearing on web pages at all. Unless you like ads, of course.
Mr. Hodgkiss gets disappointed with chronic IE users, very disappointed indeed.
How do I organize/crop/resize/email my photos?
Picasa. It's wondrous. It'll find and organize the photos on your computer automatically, for a start, and you can add all the captions and labels you want. It has all the editing features you need like red-eye reduction, cropping, resizing, colour balance, and lighting and effects and whatnot. You can burn a photo CD from it. You can email photos from it. You can order prints from various online services directly. Make collages. Make movies. Go get it, for heavens' sakes. You want me to send Biff over?
Not so many years ago when we were still simpatico, we wandered the world looking for cracks to slip through. "Slipping through" was actually a pastime of ours. We were looking for the exit. Various guides and side-alongs were there, were not there. None of the cracks were permanent and the membrane always pulled us back in.
We got tired, friends got hurt, the Mondays-to-Fridays began to crush with a terrible pressure. Imagination became something to leash and feed. Life is more stable now and there aren't so many black days, but I miss the thrill of the possibility of the One Wardrobe.
On the plus side, I am less susceptible to charlatans like Hal Lindsey, Mike Warnke, and Jack Van Impe, each of whom actually had an influence on my early thinking, to my profound current embarrassment. I was brought up Baptist, a grayish lukewarm people who never took a risk or a stand beyond that of the average upper middle class conservative taxpayer, was educated in a Catholic private school from grades one through seven, and was born with a physical requirement for powerful stories. Small wonder I was a strange and restless little boy with a curious credo. Revelations was my favourite book of the Bible, and by extension, anything written by mountebanks who shouted up the Dragon sweeping a third of the stars from the sky, an earth which perishes in fire and blood, seals, trumpets, and all the rest. Holy cats, it's terrifically exciting to believe that stuff. I get an incredible charge out of fiction, which says "hey, let's imagine," but how much more electrifying is the fantastic which is also the actually real. It's like imagination crack.
Helo. I have birthday greet for siste Shann.
I hopes my siste Shann has good brithday
so she groes older and older to a old lady
someday. With shinie blu hair mebbe a cane
and creekey ankels. Then she has to give a
kidnee to her browthe who lost his and the
weelchare ran over it and hes 105 so he
dossent hear it go squish. Then you showt in
his eer-trumppet hey you stoopied old man you
lost yor kidnee heers my xtra kidnee now don
loose it you stoopied! And i wont becoz you
are a good siste and kidnees don grow on treez.
Things here are typical. Gravity continues to exert itself over a wide area, I still have not discovered the kabbalistic formula which will transform lead into grapefruit juice, each of my cells has divided at least 100 times since you left, and most trees in the neighbourhood stubbornly eschew sentience although I ask very nicely. It's enough to make one sing off-key louder and louder until the police arrive.
The weather has been rather purple and Rachelle is no no no not even a horse. Unless Grandma Friesen turned 91 Sunday, which she didn't, she was 90, and all the Friesens were there, "all" being a very carefully circumscribed all which does not really mean all at all. All Friesens would be too many Friesens. Have been too many at the buffet table. Really all is who-knows-how-many-of-them and the number fluctuates hourly and globally, which makes language silly. Poo to language. I shall grunt the remainder of my letter in the manner of a warthog wallowing in a hollow. Grunt grunt grunty-squeal grunt. Snort.
The thing about warthogs is they're succinct, because they only ever say one thing, and that is: "I am a warthog." This is existentially superior to "Such and such ergo I am a warthog" because it doesn't first require them to learn Latin.
I have no idea how to end this letter now that warthoggery has established philosophical dominance, so I shall simply stroll over to rub my back against that acacia tree over there.
question: How can i apply for a FEDERAL GRANT to fight crimes?
answer: You think Superman needed a FEDERAL GRANT? Heck, no. All you require is a pair of one-size-too-small y-fronts in a bright colour of your choosing. And a cape. Any old bedsheet will do.
question: I HAVE A OVERDRIVE TRANSMISSION OUT OF A 1994 CHEVY G10 VAN. HOW HARD WOULD IT BE TO DO A BASIC REBUILD?
answer: OKAY NOW LISTEN CLOSE. YOU GOT TO GET YOURSELF A BIG RAMTRAK. THROW THAT RAMTRAK INTO REEVERSE. NOW WHEN YOU HEAR THE REVS GET UP TO ABOUT 60, YOU SKEEZE ON 'ER UNTIL THE OIL PRESSURE DROPS. NO! I SAID WAIT! UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM REVS....! OH FER PETE'S SAKE. IF YOU AIN'T GONNA LISTEN THEN YOU AIN'T GONNA GET THAT DANG VACUUM CLEANER FIXED, IS YOU?
question: I dropped my xbox and won't turn on. I recently opened the xbox and check to see if something was broke but found nothing. Then I banged on the xbox while open then it turned on. Then I screwed it back and it won't turn on again. What is wrong?
answer: Ah drawped mah banjo once. It done not wurked too good neither.
What is the best way to hone latent psi powers?
Sit down. Relax. Cross your legs, and place fingertips gently on your temples (your own fingertips). Close your eyes and repeat the following mantra until solid objects start floating about the room: "Owah tagoo siam. Owah tagoo siam."
Have two astronauts ever performed sexual intercourse while in outer space?
Yes, but not at the same time.
Why do your ears and nose keep growing untill [sic] you die?
Have you asked your doctor this question? Hey, are you that guy they wrote that song for?
"Do your ears hang lowThat song?
do they wobble to and fro
can you tie them in a knot
can you tie them in a bow
can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder like a continental soldier
do your eeeeeeeears hang looooooowww?"
I found a small white pill with 10 printed on the top half and 178 on the bottom half. What is it?
Oh, that's a *vitamin*. Eat it before you get sick.
So many questions. How can I find time to answer them all?