Peaeater

So very tired. Want to pull tongue up over head like security blanket. Curl into ball. Sleep in closet. Used to before getting married. Minus tongue extension. Now have to "conform" to "standards" of normal "behaviour". Like bed every night, instead of safe dark closet with slats in the door sometimes. Wife would probably think it was weird.

Damn, she's going to read this post.

Darling, it would make me so happy if we could be together in the closet.

Apparel and accessories made from synthetic human skin:
http://www.skinbag.net/skinbag-gb/code/focus-1.php

The following occult secret was found in a musty tome I stole from a musty tomb by hiding it in my +2 bookbag of holding. I have paraphrased where necessary.

To enlist an ally of air and fire, the magician must first prepare his chamber with quantities of brusseled cabbage boiled long in a silver tureen and the bean of Méjico twice prepared.1 This will attract a servant of greatest potency and inspiration.

The magician is advised to take great care as to the time and place of summoning, for no pentacle may hold the dreadful spirit once released:

"Him goeth wheresoever him listeth, and bitter foe he afflicteth mightily and fast friend also, sparing him kinsmen none, nor king nor pauper, nor christian nor heathen, nor man, woman, child it pleaseth him not to spare."

And though none in the vicinity is safe, the magician himself need fear not, for he remains unaffected. Yet he is cautioned:

"No utterance shalle he grant to questen from the citadel of his lips, but govern his tongue moste puissant to the reeke, for well knowen sholde he that "he that hath smelt, so also hath he dealt."

1 margin gloss: let him who hath understanding fetchen his pannikin

-- excerpt from page titled arcanus flatus horribilis

Did I mention it was musty?

We'll take fish from the can
throw them back into the sea
all joy to the factory workers I guess

My daughter helps the weak ones
sleek and gasping
laughing over her shoulder she shares her surprise
when it leaps like a dart through the foam

I'll never tire of it either.

Enslave your people to the elevator mines, o pharoah.
Let gravity oppress the non-fluorescent
us with fluor we will leap up high

Every week I volunteer to check out some books at the public library. I feel it's my charitable duty to the less advantaged. Most of them open right up with a little attention.

At The Fantasy Section
Most adult fantasy stimulates me even less than television. If that were possible. Not because I don't like fantasy but because it's written so badly it gives me the shudders. How do they make the impossible so tiresome? It irks me.

To do:

1. Draw up list of top offenders in pen.
2. Summon aforementioned dingbats to the Pits of Enduring Torment.
3. Pour concrete for Pits first.
4. Strap on centipede-filled bikini bottoms.
5. To the prisoners.
6. Discuss creative shortcomings with the aid of rusty dental implements.
   

At the Magazine Rack
Sad. A limp collection of soilage, barely surpassing an East German dentist's office. Which is where, incidentally, I got the dental implements. At least they have Consumer Reports.

At the Audiovisual Section
Some creativity here. In that I've never heard of anything in it. Everything you wouldn't even see at 3 am on public broadcasting can be found here. Phrase that best describes style of collection: "abandoned garage sale".

At the Computers Section
Windows 3.1 for Dummies?

At the Young Adult Section
The only section worth looking at. All the best books are for young adults. Completely wasted on young adults, of course, the yobs. Witness Jonathan Stroud's Bartimaeus trilogy. Thank Azathoth.

BABBLE AND TREMBLE, EARTH-SPECKS!

MY INVINCIBLE FLEET SURROUNDS YOUR FLABBY PLANET WITH SCORCH-DETONATORS, MEGA-LANCES AND Q-GAS NOZZLES AT THE READY!!

I HOLD YOUR SQUEAKING NANO-LIVES IN THE CONCAVE OF MY LOWER ANTERIOR MANIPLE!!! THE ONE NEAREST MY FLATAL VENTS!

YES, I!! ZOG THE INCONTESTABLE!! TREMBLE BEFORE-- {sound of microphone squealing}

[What?]

[I did not use 'tremble' already.]

[At the beginning?]

[Oh, crap. You're making me the laughingstock of the galaxy, woman.]

[It is your fault.]

[I said I'd take out the garbage when I was finished...! How can I finish when you keep interrupting me?]

[...]

MEWLING EARTH-SLIME!!!

COWER BEFORE ZOG THE PERVERSELY MERCIFUL!!

IT PLEASES ME TO TOY WITH YOU MUCH AS A STAR-DEVOURER PLAYS WITH ITS FOOD BEFORE GNASHING IT INTO BITESIZE-EROIDS!!

I WILL SQUISH YOU SLOWLY AT A TIME OF MY CHOOSING!!!

UNTIL THEN, WOBBLE IN ABJECT TERROR!!!!!!

{ transmission ends }