Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Bowel Bandit
2 Comments Published December 12, 2006 at 10:30 AM.
At a certain middle school in a certain town, a certain young person has been giving vent to an uncontrollable and secret urge. An urge to deposit... er... deposits upon the tiles of the washroom floor. And in a recent case, within the shoe of a very unlucky student in the boy's change room. Another reason always to use the lockers provided, people. It's one thing to have your things taken - it's quite another to be given something extra you didn't want.
The experts are perplexed and baffled, and more than a little disgusted. This reporter is unable to reveal further details lest his informant become subject to punitive action by the ever thuggish Victoria School Board.
But fear not, because Encyclopedia Brown is on the case. He will sniff out the... no. He will track the... no. Alright, he will dust for... gad, NO.
[Pause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to say that Encyclopedia Brown has reviewed his case load at the present time and regrets to inform he will be unable to pursue the Case of the Bowel Bandit until such time as someone else solves it. Thank you.
Oh, my goodness. Too funny. However, it's poopy to not have a solution to this perplexing problem so, picking up the, uh, case...
Was it Johnny Upmore, the school ne'er-do-well?
Motive:Likes causing trouble, as is evident from hundreds of anecdotal cases.
Opportunity:Is frequently allowed out of the class by his teachers.
Intent:Has been allegedly associated with other fecal follies.
Was it Mr. McLeod, the school janitor (custodial engineer)?
Motive:Fearing for the loss of his job after his failed affair with Ms. McGillis, the school principal, Mr. McLeod may have thought there was a need to prove his value to the school.
Opportunity:Mr. McLeod spends more time in the washroom than anyone else.
Intent:Has been known to tip garbage cans over in front of Ms. McGillicutty's room, so he can spend more time admiring her.
Was it Ms. McGillis, the school principal?
Motive:Attempting to make Mr. McLeod's life miserable for terminating their affair over Ms. McGillicutty, the new student teacher.
Opportunity:Ms. McGillis is often found roaming the halls at all hours of the day.
Intent:Was caught hiding in the boy's washroom after a few of the "clues" were left behind.
Was it Mr. Fitzpatrick, the teacher with the mysterious past?
Motive:Is reported to have "unusual" interests.
Opportunity:His preparation time was always during the times when the clues were left behind.
Intent:Has been caught hiding in the boy's washroom on several occasions.
Was it Ms. McGillicutty, the new student teacher?
Motive:Is rumoured to be very interested in Mr. Fitzpatrick and his unusual interests.
Opportunity:Has been known to leave her class unexpectedly for long periods of time.
Intent:Pictures on the Internet demonstrate a number of unusual scenarios that Ms. McGillicutty was involved in during her Teacher's College days.
Solution: The Bowel Bandit is none other than...
ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN! Frustrated with the poor quality of education at his lacklustre school, Encyclopedia sought to:
- expose the soap-operatic issues of the school staff that have been interfering with the quality of teaching and administration
- get the attention-getting Johnny Upmore expelled because he has been disrupting classes for as long as Encyclopedia can remember.
SFU had a crapper bandit.. nothing like coming to class with a triple coiler on the overhead projector.