There is a man at the gym. The man is an ordinary looking fellow in his mid 40s. He sits it up, he runneth cardio-ways, lifts, pushes, pulls, and squats weight, and is completely within acceptable social parameters in all these pursuits.
But his body odour is outlandish. As to severity: eye-squintingly rank. As to radius, 6 meters (20 feet) be the hot zone.
No one, least of all me, tells him his stench could outdo a gangrene-ridden warthog with a penchant for rolling in its own filth. I have sat there at the lat pulldown machine with him next to me, pulling down and breathing only through my mouth (to no avail because I could still taste his rank and tangiferous pong), and have said nothing nor given any sign of discomfort.
Looking straight ahead and giving no sign takes effort. How many of us have suffered - without a whimper - flatulential assault in the elevator? Or the meeting room? Where did we learn this?
So anyway, hundreds of possible things to say run through my head, but nothing comes out of my mouth but the odd gasping choke. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him?
Sir, please: avoid fried or spicy foods, caffeine and garlic. Wear excessive amounts of deodorant, anti-perspirant, air freshener, and Toilet Duck. Allergies? Allergies be damned! You smell, sir!
Somebody, please, tell me what to say in ordinary people-speak. All I can think of are diseased warthog excrement analogies.
But his body odour is outlandish. As to severity: eye-squintingly rank. As to radius, 6 meters (20 feet) be the hot zone.
No one, least of all me, tells him his stench could outdo a gangrene-ridden warthog with a penchant for rolling in its own filth. I have sat there at the lat pulldown machine with him next to me, pulling down and breathing only through my mouth (to no avail because I could still taste his rank and tangiferous pong), and have said nothing nor given any sign of discomfort.
Looking straight ahead and giving no sign takes effort. How many of us have suffered - without a whimper - flatulential assault in the elevator? Or the meeting room? Where did we learn this?
So anyway, hundreds of possible things to say run through my head, but nothing comes out of my mouth but the odd gasping choke. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him?
Sir, please: avoid fried or spicy foods, caffeine and garlic. Wear excessive amounts of deodorant, anti-perspirant, air freshener, and Toilet Duck. Allergies? Allergies be damned! You smell, sir!
Somebody, please, tell me what to say in ordinary people-speak. All I can think of are diseased warthog excrement analogies.
That is what I love about grade 7 students. They are so refreshingly frank about odour recognition and culpability. Not a single one of them feels the need to ignore a fart. Fingers point, hoodies are pulled over noses and the chorous of "EWWWW! GROSSSSSS!" can be heard from down the hall. Likewise, no one is scared of saying, "man, you REEK!" to their smelly peers. I would love to see either of those behaviours in a boardroom meeting.
STRATEGIES
I hope at least one of these is useful to you:
Strategy 1
1. Purchase several bars of soap (or get them for free from a cart in the hallway at any local hotel or motel) and place them them in a basket labelled "Complimentary".
2. Plase the basket near the entrance to the changing room.
3. Design and print signs stating "All members are now required to soap and shower for 5 minutes (min.) BEFORE using the equipment. Members not following this rule will be asked to leave." The sign will be more effective if it contains the gym's official logo/brand and is signed by "U. Stinkman, Manager"
4. Post the signs in strategic locations around the changing room.
Strategy 2
1. Secretly, take a photo of the offender. Use extreme caution and don't get caught.
2. Design a "WANTED" sign with the man's face on it with the text "WANTED - A shower or bath for this man because he STINKS SO BADLY!"
3. Post in strategic locations around the club. Use extreme caution and don't get caught.
Strategy 3
1. Call the police and fire department and let them know that you have detected a strange odour and are concerned.
2. Call the gas company and let them know that you have detected a strange odour and are concerned.
3. Call the municipal works people and let them know that you have detected a foul odour and are concerned.
4. Call the public health officers and let them know that you have detected a foul odour and are concerned.
5. Call the provincial environment officers and let them know that you have detected a noxious odour and are concerned.
Strategy 4
1. Wearing personal protective equipment (Self-Contained Breating Apparatus - SCBA, available at your local fire department - white coveralls, rubber gloves and protective eye-wear), approach the culprit and say, in the most polite way you can, "Excuse me, sir, but I can smell you from 300 meters away. Perhaps you should bathe."
2. Apologise and back away slowly.
Strategy 5
1. Draft a letter with your concerns.
2. Collect signatures from other gym members.
3. Deliver it to the owners of the gym and state that, if they don't do something about it, you will quit their gym and/or go to the media.
AWESOME! Thank you, Michael!!
Let me know how it goes...