Peaeater

Our furnace and hot water heater are powered by natural gas. This is perfectly safe technology. Perfectly safe. It used to be perfectly cheap too, but costs have been rising this year, which is good if you are the B.C. economy, but bad if you are, like me, the recipient of the bi-monthly gas bill.

As Spring progressed, the bills we got showed that our costs increased as the weather improved, which was slightly backwards to my expectation. We used the furnace less, and yet we owed more... Must be the rise in natural gas prices. "Chelle, try and cut your showers down to less than 15 minutes, for the love of Yog!" I would uncharitably scold.

Spring revved up into Summer. Things got hot. The furnace was turned off for good, not to be messed with again until October. The bills remained high. I'm no economist. What do I know about the ups and downs of the global oil and gas industry, except that the ups are inevitable? I drive my damn car to the pump and pay whatever it takes to fill the tank, just like everyone else. It costs a lot. I pay it. End of story. Except.

Today Rachelle was painting the gas meter purple. Not all purple. Just enough to make it "funky" instead of "industrial', maybe. I'm no expert in the psychology of the female mind. And she smelled gas. So she called the gas company, and sort of apologized for even phoning. They sent a guy out right away.

I don't know about you, but when a company like Terasen sends out a technician right away, that's the signal to me that something is very, very wrong. Only paramedics and firemen turn up on your doorstep with that kind of response time. "Don't light any matches or cigarettes nearby," said the customer service representative, "or anything that might set the gas alight." Um, like a barbecue? Like, the barbecue which has been sitting not 3 meters away grilling steaks, burgers, and weinies over AN OPEN FLAME for the last T minus six months? I can't believe we didn't find ourselves sitting atop a pillar of fire on our way up to the big Picnic in the Sky.

So Mr. Gas Man replaced the roundy bit in the picture, because yes, it was leaking. So our bills were high because we were releasing unknown amounts of natural gas into and around our home.

Come to think of it, a gas leak would explain the headaches, rubber-legs, weakness, loss of eyesight, vomiting, diarrhea, Tourette's syndrome, and occasional seizures. And all those bad things I did. I would definitely recommend this perfectly safe technology to anyone looking for both a home heating solution and low-grade chronic nausea.